Lesson 1: Understanding values
In this lesson, you’ll learn:
What values are
Where values come from
How values can vary
Why values can change
How values can create harmony or conflict
What values are
We all have values but they’re not something commonly talked about or explored, and that’s a shame. As you’ll learn, values underpin your life and influence everything you do and say.
Values are the ‘things’ you believe to be important. They’re your preferences and priorities.
Your values determine your reaction and response to situations and circumstances in life. Everything you do and say is being guided by your own internal programme (like software on a computer) — it’s not some random, unexplainable occurrence.
Just like the North point on a compass, you can use your values to know whether you’re heading in the right direction or not. Here’s how you’ll recognise it:
When you’re in alignment with your values, you’ll experience feelings of ease, joy, fulfilment and bliss.
When you’re out of alignment, you’ll experience tension, conflict, stress and dis-ease.
Where do values come from
As a child, you developed beliefs based on the environment you grew up in. Whatever you experienced - your interactions with the people around you, life events and circumstances - led you to believe certain things to be true. Those beliefs influence the values you develop.
Here are some examples. Note that within each example there are two scenarios of the belief and value you might have. (Interestingly, this is why children from the same family, can follow such different paths in life even if they experienced the same/similar things).
Situation: Your family believes family must always come first no matter what
If you accept that belief, you’ll value the importance of family.
If you develop a different belief, e.g. that when you always put family first, your needs don’t get met and that causes you unhappiness, you might choose to value independence and taking care of yourself.
Situation: An adult, such as a teacher or parent, repeatedly tells you you’re stupid and can’t learn
If you accept that belief, you might learn to value other people’s opinions about who you are and what you’re capable of more than your own.
If you develop a belief that you’ll show them / prove them wrong, you might develop values around independence and learning.
Situation: You grew up in a household where money was always hard to come by and paying bills was stressful
If you accept that as how life will always be for you, you might value getting hand-outs from other people/agencies.
If you decide that’s not how you want to live, you may develop a value around the importance of earning money.
Different settings, different values
This might seem strange, after all, you’re the same person — but your values can differ in different settings because what’s important to you changes.
Think about what you value for the various types of relationships you have, e.g. family, friends, work, the groups you belong to etc, the home you live in, the vehicle you drive, where you holiday, the work you do etc.
While there might be some common values across all those areas, there’s likely to be some difference (and we’ll explore that more in the next lesson).
Values can change
While some values may stay with you throughout your life, it’s natural and normal to experience some change. As you move through different stages and phases of life, or in response to circumstances and situations you face, your beliefs and therefore your values, can change.
For example, the parents of young children might value having quality time at home more than they value a fast-paced job. Then when the children leave home, the parents’ values may change to include a higher priority on work again.
So, revisit your values regularly. You could do that as part of your yearly planning process or more often if you feel out of sorts and haven’t been able to work out why.
Values can create harmony or conflict
When you feel in tune with someone and you’re relating well together, it’s often because your values are similar. Can you think of an example where this has occurred? Who do you relate well with?
Equally, values can lead to conflict. Think about a time when there’s been conflict between you and someone else.
Here’s a fairly typical scenario involving a value around timeliness:
Imagine for a moment that you value flexibility and you’re meeting up with a person who values being on time, every time. If you’re even a few minutes late for an appointment they will take it personally. Why? Because if you’re late, they’ll think you don’t care about them, that they’re not important to you. But so often, rather than talking about what’s wrong, the tension leads to arguments and in some cases, relationships ending.
What you do and say, your actions, reactions and responses are based on your values.
Next step
Remember, values are things that are important to you, they’re your preferences and priorities. Now it’s time to identify and define your values. Head on over to Lesson 2.
To go back to the Values course overview page, click here.